Be Jealous

Duties of a Husband: #2

Yeah. I know. We’ve been deafeningly taught how sinful jealousy is. How can this possibly be something a husband needs on his list of character-defining duties? It’s sinful selfishness, right? Yes. Jealousy can be sinful. You can also sinfully love and sinfully hate. However, there is love that is not sin, and hate that is not sin. Hating my sin, for example, is a proper hate. Loving my sin would be sinful.

And just like hate, love, and a few other things, jealousy can be sinful. And, there is jealousy that is not sinful. For example,

“… for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, …”

Exodus 20:5, ESV ¹

Since it is impossible for God to sin, His jealousy is proper and holy. It is an example of righteous jealousy. Although there are things God can do that no human can do, love, hate, and being jealous and a whole host of other things is not on that list. God created us with the capacity to love. For a reason. He also gives us the ability to hate. We choose to do this sinfully, but by His grace, we can also love or hate without sinning. Therefore, we should also understand that He created humans with the ability to be jealous. And just like hate and love, He designed that we could do this without sin. But, sin has affected even this. And, as you may have experienced in our fallen world, jealousy is most often completely dominated by sin.

Yet, jealousy without sin is not only a possibility, it is a character of God we should emulate. One we should understand, and then, as husbands, practice purposefully in a non-sinning manner.

Non-sinful Jealousy

You shall tear down their altars and break their pillars and cut down their Asherim (for you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God),

Exodus 34:13-14

God is calling his people into an exclusive relationship. His covenant set them apart from all the other people on the face of the Earth. They were the only nation He chose. The expectation of this choosing was they would also be exclusive in their relationship to Him. No other gods. And God was protective of that state of exclusivity. He was jealous for them.

But, consider this. Where these people any different than all of the other people on the face of the earth? Other than the fact that God chose to place His favor on them? The answer is, “No”. God didn’t love them because they were more “lovable” than any other people. God didn’t look down through time and see they would make better choices, be less sinful, form a greater society, find more riches, establish greater cities. None of this. They weren’t more attractive than all the other nations. They didn’t have the best smile and bubbly personality.

Abram wasn’t less sinful or more lovable. God, though, chose to love him and his descendants. God, in His purpose and act, set Abram and his descendants apart as singularly particular to God. God chose Abram out of a world of rebellious sinners and established an exclusive relationship with Abram and his descendants. God determined that relationship with the Abram and his decedents would be exclusive.

When a husband is jealous in a likewise unsinful way, he wants his wife to be exclusive in her love and devotion for him. Just as he is to her. He chooses to have no other one who will experience the attention and focus he gives to his wife. And, he should hope for, expect, and desire for that same exclusive relationship toward him. Neither in isolation, which would be another type of sin. Only in the relationship of husband and wife.

A wife should receive from her husband an affection and attentiveness, a love and care that no other woman receives from her husband. The wife should give an affection and attentiveness, a love and care that she gives to no other man. It is an exclusive relationship in that way. The husband both is careful to protect his relationship with his wife, and desires and helps her to protect her relationship with him.

This means there is no “work-wife”, and no “work-husband”. When we have coworkers who are of the opposite sex, we place protective safeguards in our relationships to them. We do so because we are jealous for our spouses.

God didn’t tell Abram or his descendants they had to become more lovable, gain more riches, build better cities if He was going to keep loving them. His jealously for them was without qualification.

Practical Jealousy

However, unlike God who did not need to do anything to make Himself desirable to Abram and his descendants, the husband does. Jealousy for a sinful human is different than jealousy for a sinless God. We have the responsibility of putting it into proper practice. The husband should help his wife to be exclusive in her spousal affection. This is practical jealousy.

One important way is for the husband to understand his wife’s needs, likes, and desires. Of course, these too can be sinful. When they are clearly sinful, the husband exhorts and encourages her to repentance and obedience to God’s Word. Just as she would do for him. For those that are not sin, he has a duty to know them an be attentive in being those things for her. For helping her to desire him.

These needs include emotional, social, and physical interactions. He should show her that these desires or even preferences are important to him. The husband shows his wife she is valuable by doing more than simply listening. He engages her in conversation and seeks out her opinion. He listens with intent of understanding and adding to conversations. The husband shows value to his wife when he is attentive enough to detect the subtle changes in mood that are often associated with an emotional need or state.

Let me change the tone and voice.

Watch movies with your wife. Not just the ones you like. Watch, pay attention, and talk with her about the ones she likes. If you haven’t taken her out to lunch lately, then a hunting trip into the woods without her should be cancelled or put on hold until you’ve taken the time to make sure she knows that time you spend with her is more valuable than your hunting/sports/whatever trip. And, not superficially. Showing your wife her true value takes time. Real time. Real investment of yourself.

Bring her flowers for no other reason than she is the love of your life. You can get them from the local grocery store. They don’t have to be expensive. They do have to be genuinely given as a gift simply to bring her joy for no other reason that you love her enough to want her to be joyful. You are jealous for her affection and are willing to show that.

Neither miss nor over-emphasize celebrations of important dates. You know. Anniversaries. Yes. Plural. The day you met for the first time. The day of the year you first asked her out. Of course the day you married. If you forget her birthday, you have devalued her. Don’t forget. By the way. Most people will signal days in advance if an important day is coming up. All you really need to do is

pay attention. Like they are valuable. Because

the are.

Be jealous. And don’t sin.

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1 This is extracted from the First and Second Commandment:
“You shall have no other gods before Me. “You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath, or in the water under the earth. “You shall not worship them nor serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, inflicting the punishment of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing favor to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.” Exodus 20:3-6

The Husband’s First Duty: Remember

Duties of a Husband, Part 3

Remember

I know. You were expecting another word or phrase. Something else. Remember seems out of place. This seems wrong. Your heart is resisting. Remember doesn’t belong at the head of this list. Your feelings strongly object. This isn’t the great beginning you were expecting. It feels like stumbling out of the starting gate.

We expected “Love your wife”, or some form of that, as the first and foremost duty of a husband. Shouldn’t love come above all? You know, 1 Corinthians 13, Ephesians 5, and Colossians 3:19. And, how can we ignore all the sloppy cultural reference to some esoteric concept of the emotional feeling we call love.

It’s not that you are wrong to expect loving his wife would be a husband’s first duty. However, loving his wife is the application of this duty.

A husband must remember.

Remember that he is always preaching to his wife, to his children, to the body of Christ, and to the unsaved world Christ’s love for the church.

Every act and inaction, every word and way those words are spoken, every manner in which you publicly and privately act toward your wife is a sermon. You are proclaiming and showing what Christ’s love of His church is by the way you are loving your wife.

So, it is love. But, it is real Biblical love delivered as an unending sermon in your day-to-day living. Neither simply nor just emotion we wrongly associate with “love”. The incredible fullness of the act in all its complete purpose. Love that is specific and personal to the object, your wife. And simultaneously purposeful in its fulfilment of revealing how Christ accepted humiliation, rejection, and unjust punishment for the purpose of redeeming His bride and bringing glory to the Father.

Remember is not:

Let’s begin with a short look at some very wrong thinking of husbands and wives. These are what this duty is not. It is not “Happy wife, happy life”. Giving in to every whim and desire of your spouse because you think that is going to bring peace to your relationship is preaching a false gospel. It is also not going to make her truly happy, by the way. Remember that you are a sinner. And, so is she. Just like you, she may have a wrong view of what she needs to be happy. Her desire for happiness are not always going to be aligned with the will of the Father. While a clean and orderly home may be signs of a happy family, they will not cause it. Having a great job and great house to live in may be a sign of a healthy marriage. But, it will not cause it. Just like all of us, simply because your wife thinks she needs something to be happy does not always also mean that is what she actually needs to be happy.

If you are a Christian, then you have been redeemed from your sin, and now have the ability to not sin. So, stop sinning. And, carefully, lovingly, humbly help watch and protect your wife from sinning. When she does, and if you are able, you intervene and accept the consequences for her mistakes. When you are able, you redeem her from sinful circumstances. Only Christ can and has taken the punishment for her sin. He has paid the price and redeemed her fully. Just as He has you. And that example is the sermon you must preach in your actions.

This ties in to another duty, though. So, more on this later.

Remembering is not living separate lives while sharing the same house and bed. You cannot have your own set of friends, your own bank account, your own social life and your wife have hers. This is not how Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for her. This doesn’t mean you refuse any social engagements that your wife isn’t included in. It does mean you refuse social engagements your wife is excluded from. You can go on a hunting trip with your male friends, or go to a movie with other men. You cannot, however, deny your wife time with you because you are doing these things more often than you should. Like before, we’ll explore this in another duty of the husband.

Remember is:

To Remember, you must first know. Know what the love of Christ for His Church is. What it looks like. If you don’t know, you’ll need to get to work studying God’s Word. But, chances are, you know some, or have a little idea. So, let’s begin there.

The duties that will be explained all flow from this need to Remember. But, we can begin by using a few examples to help understand what we mean by Remember.

First, keep in mind that any example we create using our experiences will have limited usefulness. As long as we keep the example within those limits, it can be helpful.

So, keep that in mind and consider this. Let’s assume your wife is going about her daily routine. She is a kind, gentle, and caring person who has built many friendships. In one of those friendships, your wife said something to her friend that caused deep harm. It may have been unintentional, but the harm occurred. Now two families are at odds. Where there was once friendship and fellowship, there is not division and animosity. What should you do? The answer is Remember. Look for ways to heal her and help her heal the harm. Be present with her in her distress. This is not the time to go fishing. If you had planned a hunting trip with your best buds, that just got cancelled and you don’t mind. If you do mind, then you failed to remember. Hunting trips can be rescheduled. Your wife’s soul cannot. And, the sermon you are preaching cannot. The God you serve will be revealed by the sermon you choose to preach. So, Remember.

This is the foundational duty. All others on this list are built on the foundation of the husband being – intentionally, carefully, clearly living out – the love of Christ for His church in the husband’s love for his wife.

Remember